Where's "My Life"?

One evening, I sat down thinking how long I have come, what "I was" and what "I am" and stopped at the question --- "Am I doing what -- I -- want to do?", the answer was "not everything I do is what I want to do", which led me to another question, "Where's -- My -- Life?". To seek the answer, I started out evaluating my life 5 years at a time, starting from the day I was born. Here's the train of my thoughts...

Age 0 to 5 -  For the first 5 years of my life I slept when I wanted to, ate when I wanted, played when I wanted. My home was my world. Everyone I knew, my parents, my grand parents were all special, the person I was with, was the most important at that moment in time. I tore up news papers, broke my toys, learned to stand and walk, learned to talk, learned that I can attract attention by throwing a tantrum, realized that I can melt mom, but dad was tougher. I learned to use my mother's lap as my bed, learned to make a mess, I learned that I can pinch my younger brother to make him cry and I could quickly run to the other room and run back in looking all concerned as my little darling brother was crying . There was nothing I cared about, and I was not expected to, I did what my heart said, I guess, my brain was only helping me with instant non sense.

Age 5 to 10 - I went to school, don't know what was happening, teacher said "A for Apple" and "Two Times Three is Six", and I believed it. Learnt to make friends, learned to complain, learnt that there is a variety of food beyond what my mother cooked. I learnt to use a fork to eat noodles. My teacher helped me discover the world, various continents, cities and it's peoples. When I came home to tell my dad that we live in a continent called Asia, he said he already knew about it!.

Age 10 to 15 - Learnt that I had stage fear, realized the friends can be enemies too, dad said "work hard and be competitive, you got to top the exams", I liked literature, I liked art, dad said "no way, there is no money in it, how are you going to feed your family", teachers told my parents that I was a good student, but I must work harder, dad said, "10th standard is the most important milestone and you get only one chance at it, so don't waste time". I wanted to learn to play the guitar, my dad wanted me to get trained on vocals, issue is unresolved to this date!. This was my initiation into Peer Pressure and the Rat Race.

Age 15 to 20 - "What are you going to do now? Engineering? Medicine? you must take up Science and prepare for the Entrance Tests", I told dad, I want to be a mechanic as I love automobiles, dad completed my admission formalities to study Electrical & Electronics Engineering in an Engineering College. New life, new friends, new freedom, professors are not bothered if I am present or absent in their class, they were there to do their job, i.e., deliver their lecture and get going. It is here I learnt that "teachers were working for money too", the picture of a teacher, a Guru who was preparing us to change the world was shattered. Staying in a college hostel, I realized, I have to live on a budget, bills had to be paid in time. I learned how to make five hundred rupees last for a month.

Age 20 to 25 - "Hey, you know this great IT company, they pay a big salary, they depute you around the world to work, you get to earn in Dollars, we should get IT jobs", another line of thought, "who cares for a job anyway, let's get done with Engineering first and then think what next", get a CV ready, do a software course and be ready when Companies come to the Campus, got a job, realized that it takes 10 days of work to earn Rs.1,000 and I have pay 10% of my earnings to the Government as Tax, but in college, all it would take is a phone call to dad, a cheque would arrive in 3 days. Learned that there is something called "Job Satisfaction" and I also learned that I was not satisfied!, learned to switch jobs, learned that interviews are just meetings where my interviewer is telling me that I am unfit for the job and I am trying to convince him otherwise!.

Age 25 to 30 - Have to earn more money, have to buy that cool red bike, just like my friend's, need a bigger room to stay, need a computer so I can browse the net when I get home. Have to try out swanky restaurants, watch movies, "Friday Dressing" sounds cool, I need a new wardrobe, hey you checked the new mobile phone? need that as well. How do I fund all this, it's easy, switch jobs. I wanted to make a statement that I had arrived and I needed a lifestyle to prove it. "Dad, I earn more than you!", I said, dad smiled.

Age 30 to 35 - Got married, disposable income got multiplied by 2. Need an apartment now, buy one, get a promotion, buy a car, daughter is born, watch her grow. Wife is busy taking pictures, making albums and shopping for the kid, while I tagged along figuring out what it would take to keep up with the expenses. As new parents we are trying to teach the kid to walk, to talk, to behave and what not, I now realize what my dad did for me. It's time to settle down, my outlook changed from a "Job" to a "Career", I am looking for stability, I am looking for work-life balance.

Age 35 to 40 - Which school is she going to go? Planning for my daughter's education, buy insurance polices, save for her education, plan for our retirement, "spread the risk", said the investment consultant, he said I should invest in stocks now, wife wants to buy jewelry because prices of Gold dropped by Rs.20 per gram, "what the hell? you want me to spend over Rs.100,000 to save Rs.800!, it's ridiculous", man will this ever end? Where's "my life"?

~ o ~ o ~ o ~

I don't know what life has in store for me. For once I have concluded that I won't have "my life" again, at least not in the next 3 decades or so, that is if I live that long!. The only time I did what I wanted to do was when I was less than 5 years old, I was living "My Life", but I didn't know it then!, after that it was predominantly doing what my parents wanted, what my teachers wanted, what my friends wanted, what my boss wanted. what my wife wanted, now it is what my daughter wants...

Now that I realize that "My Life" is my family, my friends and my work, then why complain? I should try to be happy to live for others in my life...