This feeling of hurt would sap my energies and would affect my relations with people at work and at home. It had even started affecting my work. Something was wrong... and I had to do something to overcome this problem....
One evening, my 8 year old daughter asked for my help to solve her Maths homework problem. She waited patiently till I solved it and then I explained the solution to her. She was happy and hopped away, at least I thought she was happy!. About an hour later, I saw my wife solving the same problem with my daughter but her method was slightly different. I was furious, does this kid not trust my abilities?. I asked my wife, why our daughter came to her, even after I had explained the solution of the problem? was she trying to ascertain if the solution was correct? why couldn't she come and ask me to explain again if she had not understood, I would have gladly explained.....
My wife explained "your solution is correct, but your solution method is not the same as what was taught in the kid's school"....... she had a point how can I expect this kid to understand various ways of solving problems... she is only 8 years old......
Another day, I was out on my evening walk in the neighborhood, a stranger came up to me and asked me the way to a certain place.... I patiently explained how to get there, he argued with me that someone else had told him a slightly different route to get there. I told him, "I stay close by and I know this is the best way to get where he wanted to go". He mumbled a "thank you" and walked on. Curiosity got the better of me and I turned around to see whether this stranger was going in the right direction. I was surprised to see that he was asking another person for directions and that person was pointing in the wrong direction.... and the stranger started following the wrong directions.... I thought, "serves him right, for not trusting me, let him go in the wrong direction!, he did not trust me in-spite of my efforts to show him the way."
Later that evening, I was thinking about this stranger, "did he finally get to where he wanted to go?", "he set off in the wrong direction, he must have walked an extra kilometer at least".
A thought crossed my mind -- This stranger did not trust me, but I was not feeling bad at all but when my daughter did not trust me, I was upset.... Why?
Lesson Learnt 1:
Don't jump to conclusions from the superficial evidences... especially when it involves your Family, Friends or Colleagues
Another day, I was out on my evening walk in the neighborhood, a stranger came up to me and asked me the way to a certain place.... I patiently explained how to get there, he argued with me that someone else had told him a slightly different route to get there. I told him, "I stay close by and I know this is the best way to get where he wanted to go". He mumbled a "thank you" and walked on. Curiosity got the better of me and I turned around to see whether this stranger was going in the right direction. I was surprised to see that he was asking another person for directions and that person was pointing in the wrong direction.... and the stranger started following the wrong directions.... I thought, "serves him right, for not trusting me, let him go in the wrong direction!, he did not trust me in-spite of my efforts to show him the way."
Later that evening, I was thinking about this stranger, "did he finally get to where he wanted to go?", "he set off in the wrong direction, he must have walked an extra kilometer at least".
A thought crossed my mind -- This stranger did not trust me, but I was not feeling bad at all but when my daughter did not trust me, I was upset.... Why?
I realized, that the people you live with or interact on a daily basis say something or do something you don't expect or like, you feel bad, but when the same action is performed by a stranger, it does not matter.
Lesson Learnt 2:
Actions of people who matter to you, affect the most!...
So, how do you use these lessons to overcome the "hurt feeling", when someone near and dear says or does something unexpected? The "hurt feeling" is so costly that it affects your psyche resulting in ill health, it affects productivity initially and the job finally, it threatens the very basis of civilized societies... "Relationships".
The answer is.....
Giving the Benefit of the Doubt....
Let me explain!....
When I saw my wife solving the same problem for my daughter, instead of feeling enraged, if I thought -- "maybe she did not understand it after all... she did not want to disturb me again so she requested her mother for help!"..... now I don't feel bad.
Boss asks me what I think of a new idea, I make suggestions, he listens and then asks another person in my presence, I say to myself "maybe he saw a big flaw in my idea, he did not want to highlight it in front of others, so he decided to move on" ..... now I don't feel bad.
My close friend admonishes me for something I said, while, I'm sure I did not mean it..... I say to myself "maybe he is having a bad day and is just venting his frustrations" ..... now I don't feel bad.
Conclusion:
You don't lose anything if you "give the benefit of the doubt" to someone who matters to you. In fact, you are doing a service to the relationship and feeling good in return...
